Fucking distractions. When you’re in the zone, you don’t want to be interrupted by anything. Most things you can come back from, but there are things out there that will ruin your night, libido, and confidence in ways you can’t recover from. There’s nothing worse than blueballs, so be on the look out for these eight moment killers…
“Get Out of my Wife”
This one’s common for us since we’re on top of your mothers all the time. The fact of the matter is that getting busted by her husband ANY time sucks, let alone when you’re balls deep in Mrs. Jane Doe. Even worse is that your back is probably to him and you don’t know what this guy has in his hands. He could be a plumber and have a wrench, he could be a fireman and have an axe, or he could even be a mailman and have an AK-47.
You shouldn’t have to worry about this one unless her husband is a lumberjack… but if you’re putting the screws to a southern belle in the middle-of-fucking-nowhere, Kentucky – keep your ears sharper than your mosquito prick. The last thing you want to be going through your head as you’re going through her uterus is a 50cc two cycle 20 inch Craftsman chainsaw piloted by Leatherface himself.
“I Lied. I’m only 16.”
Instant boner killer (unless you’re from Swampass County, Louisiana). There’s nothing you can do to unshame yourself. Just so I’m clear on this: YOU DO NOT FINISH!
Get your shit Just get the fuck out of there.
“Sex is much better since I had that sex change.”
Surprise! Bait and switch, mother fucker! There’s nothing that can make you not gay now. She’s got tits, still a guy… no more penis, still a guy! What makes us laugh is that he’s/she’s probably still stronger that you.
“Your father has more stamina.”
Ouch. We don’t know what’s worse – the fact that she’s fucked your dad, or that your old man it hittin’ it harder than you. To put this in perspective, remember that most of the people your father’s age are taking high blood pressure pills and fighting cholesterol problems, and he can STILL outlast your ass.
“I invited my friend, Robert.”
The first four words of that sentence are enough to excite a man beyond measure… until you tell him that your friend is a guy. That changes shit for us. Yes, it’s a double standard we have where we are 100% willing to invite another woman to the mix, but you introduce another man and we’re the fuck out of there. Even if he’s completely straight and he absolutely guarantees that he won’t touch you… Game over.
Her laughing uncontrollably
What the fuck is she laughing at?! Is it me? Did she just check her phone and read a funny text? Did she queef? What the fuck is going on?!
You probably shouldn’t ask her because we’re certain you don’t want to know. You’re all on your own from here on out. Just finish and get out of there. She’ll probably be texting all her friends the minute you leave, so if you thought you had a chance with any of them, you don’t anymore.
“I feel the baby kicking”
We bet you thought that bit of a belly she was hauling was just some extra lovin’, huh? Err…nope. That party-ball is actually a little bundle of joy… and it’s alive! AND KICKING!
The up-side is that this is the closest you will ever come to a threesome. The downside is that it’s fucking awkward as fuck and you might lose your erection for a few days.
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