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Jun 23

Cover Your Ass, You LIAR

You are a liar. In all honesty you’ve told a lie more than once in your life. It’s simple human nature. You were once a child. Guaranteed, you lied to your parents. Let’s face it, you love your woman but you have lied to her. You may not have wanted to, but you have or you will. Unless you are the kind of guy who does everything your woman says and are a total puss bag, you will one day lie about something. Big or small, it doesn’t matter. Most people keep it to a minimum to almost not at all. There are some out there that just don’t give a proverbial shit and will lie about anything to anyone. BUT if you HAVE to tell that little white lie, we’ve outlined some things to consider so it doesn’t become a problem.

 

  • Lie only when there’s something to gain. Someone who lies pathologically does so at their own risk and establishes themselves as such. You can’t get away with a lie if everybody already thinks you’re a liar.
  • Innocent people will talk freely to clear their name; a guilty person will nervously try to change the subject and will become more comfortable once the subject has been changed. The longer a person is under question, the more of an opportunity there is for them to screw up.
  • Once your lie has been told, switch the topic, but not in a hurried manner. Ask them a question. Let the lie sit in the back of their mind and let it become a thing of the past.
  • If you have the luxury of time, go over the lie a few times in your head before you have to go through with it. Never begin stringing lies together on the spot. It’s easier to catch someone in a lie the first time they tell it. You gain confidence the first time you lie, so try it out on somebody who wouldn’t care.
  • Mislead with the truth. Give just a little of the truth while leaving stuff out. Tell her you went out with an old friend. You don’t have to tell her that it’s an old girlfriend.
  • Lie in a self depreciating way. Everybody who knows you knows you’re a piece of shit. So don’t tell them you were out fighting crime and saving babies. Tell her you didn’t come home because you were so drunk that your friend made you sleep at his place and you puked on his rug and he’s making you pay for it.
  • Keep it straight. Don’t make a super elaborate story. That’s too much to keep straight, especially over a long period of time. Tell the same exact story to everyone you tell, in case there’s accidental cross referencing.
  • Keep all your movements in check. Don’t fidget or move around a lot and try not to stutter.
  • Keep eye contact. Moving your eyes to the left symbolizes a thought toward logic, to the right means creativity and imagination. So when she asks where the library was that you said you were at, typically you are using the left side of your brain to pinpoint directions and a location. If she asks what it looked like and you’ve never seen it, then you’re making it all up using your imagination which is a right-sided brain function.
  • Don’t smile. I shouldn’t have to tell you that, but most people smile when they’re nervous. It’s a kind of nervous reaction to a stressful situation that will get you pinched. You can’t tell anyone anything while smiling the whole time without them thinking you’re full of shit.
  • Keep your face still. You may not even be aware of it, but in times of stress, your face will give quick displays of whatever emotion you are feeling.
  • Fear causes your body to react in ways that you cannot control, so don’t try. DO try to mask or hide these reactions.
    • Fear makes you speak quieter and squeakier, anger makes you talk loudly. Keep it right in the middle: slow and calm.
    • You can experience dry mouth, sweaty palms, feet and armpits.  Wear extra deodorant and wipe your hands in a way that doesn’t draw attention.
    • When experiencing fear, the corners of your mouth may lower and your eyebrows may rise. Be conscious of these movements.
  • Know who you’re dealing with. The person knows enough about you to think you’d lie about what you’re lying about. The limits of their belief in you can only be stretched so far. Don’t go overboard.
  • When someone tells the truth (the real truth) it’s like you’re letting it all out. You will tend to slump like a weight is being lifted off of you. Most people don’t know they’re doing it, but it is noticeable to other people. Try to incorporate it in if you can.
  • Don’t get overly defensive. It gives the impression that you have something to hide, which you do, you sorry sack of shit.
  • If you’re running into the red, retaliate. You won’t win this way, but you’ll get some time to assess and tighten your lie. If she thinks you were out with another woman, tell her that she’s way too insecure and a cheater is the first to call somebody a cheater.
  • When doing something you know is wrong, a nervous type of person will cover their mouth a little with a finger or two. Just don’t.
  • Don’t underestimate your woman. She’s smarter than you give her credit for and if you don’t respect that, you will pay dearly.

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